Is This Really the End of the Marriage? The foundation of any marriage is the human connection—the bond that is formed between two people who have chosen to share their love and their lives. You and your spouse may enjoy many of the same activities, may have brought children into the world together, may still laugh at the same jokes. But if you reach the point where you feel you’re losing—or have lost—that deep human connection— nothing else may matter. That’s when divorce may start to seem like the best option. The breakdown of the human connection can happen for all sorts of reasons. In the heat of an argument or during a time of high stress—or perhaps right after bumping into an old flame in the supermarket— it is often easy to leap to the conclusion that divorce is the answer. And it may well be true— but before you start flipping through the Yellow Pages for a lawyer, it’s important to look at the big picture, and to try to do so with an objective eye. Have you really thought this out? Do all of your problems, all the things that have gotten on your nerves over the years, all of your spouse’s wrong-doings and alleged wrong-doings, warrant a divorce? Take the time to consider what you really want and need before you enter into that extremely grueling process. Consider, too, whether you are realistically evaluating a future relationship with someone else. Might you not be just trading in old baggage for new? And, of course, if there are children, you need to weigh the likely effects of a divorce on their lives. In this chapter you’ll learn about resources and options available to couples who want to make certain that they have exhausted all options before giving up on a marriage.
Deciding to decide Only you can decide if divorce is your best, or only, option right now. Of course, you may wish to seek the input of counselors, friends, and family when making this decision. But remember that friends and family will often have an agenda of their own (they may adore your spouse, or they may think your spouse is the devil incarnate). Before you begin the divorce process, you, and you alone, need to be fully comfortable that this is the right decision for you and custody issues, which are never easy). But it is not the court’s place to decide whether you should seek a divorce. You are the one to decide that. You may decide to see an attorney at that point. An attorney will help educate you on all the legal consequences of your divorce and will help guide you through the process. Some attorneys will also provide moral support. But don’t ask your attorney if you should divorce. That is not a legal question. And if he or she answers it, find another lawyer. Ditto for the court. Except in rare instances, it is relatively easy to get a divorce (not to be confused with settling financial
Watch Out! Divorce isn’t cheap. Even an amicable divorce is much more expensive than most people realize. Not only does one house become two, but you’ll also have two heating bills, two water bills, and twice as many lawn mowings.
There are options to divorce In the extreme cases of physical abuse or repeated and flagrant affairs, your best option is, of course, to simply get out. But these are special cases and need to be handled carefully—more on that in Chapter 14. The vast majority of divorces are brought on by more subtle problems. You may have seemingly grown apart or lost sight of what once bound you together. What to do in that case? Work like there’s no tomorrow to evaluate the problems and try to save the partnership. Marriage is too important to be dumped without a fight. Some couples find that simply taking time out of their busy schedules to sit and talk, or perhaps to run away for a week to the islands without the children, can work wonders. Other couples decide to separate, which if done very wisely, may help create space enough to figure a few things out without having to actually divorce. Sometimes it helps to have a referee, an experienced negotiator, someone who can coach you through the stickier parts of communication. In short, it may be time to give marital counseling a try.
Marital counseling The human connection between partners is the heart of a marriage. When that connection starts to crumble, you might need some help in reconstructing what once was.
Bright Idea When your marriage is in deep trouble, you need to focus on communication. Really work to discover the root of your problems and to understand why that fundamental connection between you and your spouse has been weakened or severed. Counseling may be the answer. But you’ll have to take the initiative yourself. Don’t look for a therapist in the Yellow Pages. Ask family and friends, or work colleagues if you prefer to keep family and friends out of this, or perhaps your physician for a referral. Make a few calls. Always ask about credentials, experience, and cost. Licensing of therapists differs from state to state. In some states, just about anyone can call himself a therapist, so be careful. If you choose a psychiatrist (an M.D. who specializes in psychology and emotional issues), ask if that psychiatrist is board certified. Be aware that many psychiatrists do not really provide counseling, but rather, their approach to psychological issues may be through use of drug therapy, which may not be what you need in the context of marital problems. By contrast, psychologists (who are not trained in medicine) generally focus on talk therapy. A psychologist should have a Ph.D. in psychology from a respected university, and should certainly be certified by the state. Don’t be shy about asking anyone holding himself out to be a marriage counselor exactly what qualifies him to be so. If he or she resists or seems offended, find someone else. Set up a first appointment to see if you and your spouse and the therapist “click.” Determine if the therapist seems impartial, confident, and competent. If not, don’t hesitate to hunt for another. If your spouse refuses to join you in therapy, consider going alone.
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