You’re probably thinking that I have lost my mind. Could I really be suggesting that you stop praising your kids?
Well yes. I guess I am really saying, “Stop praising so often.”
When you keep praising and praising, kids seem to develop a sense of self-esteem based on a perception that’s out of sync with reality. The “hype” that some parents use to try to build up their child’s self-esteem is not helpful, and in fact, it’s damaging.
I am reminded of some of the auditions for the “American Idol” where contestant after contestant shows up, sings horrifically, and is disappointed by the feedback from reality. Often, you will hear them comment that their parents have repeatedly told them how wonderfully they sing.
This makes no sense to me. When we over-praise, kids learn to expect that the world will really care that much about every little thing. Let’s get real…the world just doesn’t care that much.
And yet, some things are very worthy of praise. When praise-worthy…then praise!
You might (accurately) point to how this is simply a judgment call. I agree.
But let’s use better judgment. I encourage you to jump up and down and praise when something is really worthy of praise.
When you are praising kids twenty times a day, they grow up in a world that’s out of touch with reality. There is no future reality where they will get that much praise. They will be disappointed. They will expect more from others than others will give. They will develop an inflated sense of self worth or skill that is simply not in sync with reality.
What really makes sense here?If you have been reading the materials on my website at www.TerrificParenting.com, and following my newsletters, you know the value of giving energy and attention to your kids….while they are engaged in healthy behavior.
It is ESSENTIAL to make sure that you are investing tremendous amounts of your energy and attention in the behavior you want…rather than the behavior that you don’t want.
But be clear….this is not praise!
I am not suggesting that you invest your energy by constantly praising your kids for each and everything they do.
I am not suggesting that you praise them for every moment of healthy behavior.
I am not suggesting that you praise them every time they read a word, or solve a problem.
This is over the top….unhealthy….and leaves your children out of sync with their future reality.
What do you do instead? You master the art of subtle engagement.You do this by finding a wide variety of ways to “engage” your children WHILE they are doing something that you consider healthy, appropriate, responsible or beneficial.
In such moments, you can engage your kids in any of the following ways:
Smile.
Give a thumbs up.
Wink.
Touch on the shoulder.
Nod.
Put a smiley face on their paper.
Bring them a cookie.
Smile again.
Give a ten second shoulder rub.
Ask them about their day.
Comment on how many points their favorite player scored.
Comment on what’s for dinner.
Any form of engagement works.
Notice that it doesn’t matter how you engage with your kids. If you consistently “engage” in subtle, but in loving and peaceful ways, you’ll find that your true magic begins to unfold.
Magic?
I do mean magic! As you begin to invest more and more of your attention to the behavior that you want…..rather than the behavior that you don’t want…..magic begins to unfold.
Your children begin to smile more.
Your children begin to listen better.
You see healthier behavior.
You see more responsible behavior growing.
You see more kindness and cooperation.
And your relationship with your child gets stronger.
This doesn’t mean that you never praise. It just means that you reserve praise for more significant moments. You reserve praise for moments of extraordinary effort or accomplishment. You reserve praise for moments of extraordinary kindness or thoughtfulness.
This also serves to put a cap on bringing too much melodrama to the praise. We have all seen parents who bring so much drama to the praise that their children come to expect an orchestra to show up behind their parents every time they read a paragraph. While I exaggerate a bit, with some families it’s not off by much.
So avoid the melodrama. Avoid the over praising.
Bring your kids into a world where your behavior prepares them for reality.
But also, be aware of how you can use the subtle art of engagement to nurture healthy behavior without extraordinary praise and without the melodrama.
In this way, once the behavior begins to grow, and you see more and more healthy moments emerging in your home, you can begin to reduce the number of subtle moments of “engagement” without your kids being aware that a real change is occurring.
That change, by the way, supports their movement towards independence. It supports their autonomy and capacity to function without your ongoing guidance. That ultimately leads to a young adult who is prepared to function in the world with an internal life sense of self-esteem and intrinsic motivation.
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His Web site, www.TerrificParenting.com,, offers free parenting guidance and an e-mail newsletter.