Having a child and its affects on your relationship

By Beth Wilson

To have a baby is often a celebratory experience for couples, but it
can also be a strenuous time. A new child -- be it the first, second or
third -- alters the dynamics of a couple's relationship, which can lead to
stress, pressure and negative patterns if not handled properly.

"It's a tremendous change," says Gayle Peterson, family therapist, online family columnist and author of Making Healthy Families (Shadow
and Light). Many couples, especially those expecting their first child,
are nervous about a baby's impact on their marriage. Surprisingly,
though, few partners discuss their feelings or new responsibilities
before the child is born.

"The first thing to do is to discuss
caretaking, which should be shared," advises Peterson. Even if one
spouse stays home, he or she should not assume all baby-related
responsibilities. "If he's not there to change seven diapers during the
day, he should change one a night," Peterson recommends. Both partners
should share in the pleasant and not-so-pleasant child-rearing tasks to
adequately bond with the baby. If one partner changes the diaper better
or quicker or feeds the baby more carefully, he or she must let the
other develop similar skills.

In addition to discussing and
implementing shared caretaking, couples must master shared
decision-making. For example, both parties should mutually decide on a
pediatrician. Likewise, business trips and major professional decisions
should be discussed. "To come home and say you're taking another job or
a two-week business trip doesn't work," warns Peterson. Your partner
should be consulted, not informed. To initiate a discussion, Peterson
recommends to ask simple questions like, "What do you think?" and "What
questions do you have?"

Lastly, couples must allot time to
nurture their relationship. "It doesn't have to be a vacation," says
Peterson, "but something you can count on -- an evening walk with the
baby, a regular date night. Peterson also recommends that some couples
consider a family development loan to allow one partner to reduce or
eliminate hours at work. "It's just so important to build a foundation
for the family."

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