Here in the Northeast, the temperature has dipped down to zero. One of the complaints that I frequently hear from parents is that they are constantly and incessantly reminding their kids to put on their gloves and zip up their coat. This past month we all heard a lot of that.
As our children are growing up, many of us notice that our kids do not seem to become more “independent” at understanding when to put on their gloves and coats. In fact, we seem to work harder and harder at keeping them warm…and they don’t seem to care so much. It can be remarkably frustrating.
There are several ways that we can get around this problem, when you understand how you influence your child’s choices. However, let’s first explore what doesn’t work.
What doesn’t work! Nagging doesn’t work. It doesn’t work to repeatedly remind your children over and over and over again. You may find yourself dong this, but it doesn’t mean you are nurturing independence.
Threats don’t work. It also doesn’t work to threaten your kids with harsh consequences when they get home. The problem here is that the consequence is so far removed from the situation that it doesn’t really teach what we want.
Doing it for them doesn’t work. Instead of nurturing a more competent and capable child, when we dress them…we can easily end up with a child who appears totally helpless and incompetent to make good decisions.
What does work!Say it once, and only once. It’s best to always start with the assumption that your children are smart, capable and that they can learn. So, with this assumption, you only need to explain the rules once. After that…
Action rules…not words. Once you explain the game plan, you no longer rely upon your words. Instead, you make sure that your actions do the teaching. Don’t threaten, or remind, or prod, or push or argue. Instead…
Nothing moves till you are dressed right! It’s very simple. The car doesn’t start. The door doesn’t open. Nothing happens until the gloves are on, and the coat is zipped. If they are in first to second grade…(somewhere in there)…they become quite capable of handling much of this preparation. Perhaps when it’s really heavy gear, they may need some help. But let them learn to do it themselves. If they are younger, and require your help, then don’t battle them. If they whine, resist, and generally aren’t compliant…then back off and just wait. But again, nothing moves and nothing happens until they are ready and cooperate with you. Above all, don’t engage in a verbal effort to control or stop the whining or resistance. This only FEEDS the problem.
There is power in patience. This is true more often than we realize. We have such power to teach, when we don’t try to force it to happen right now. WHY? Because when we are patiently waiting, we have boredom on our side…and our children are not accustomed to boredom or even waiting a few minutes. So when you simply pull back (i.e., don’t’ try to force it) and the car doesn’t move or the door doesn’t open, your children will quickly learn that it is in their interest to cooperate.
Use other consequences, if necessary. Let’s imagine your nine-year old darts out the door to the bus stop without you, and refuses to grab his gloves. Don’t go screaming at him.
Instead, two things need to happen. First, the natural consequence is that his hands will get cold. It’s unlikely that he will get too cold, because he will put his hands in his pocket, or run around to keep warm. Our children are more capable of being self-protective in these situations than we often give them credit. Don’t sweat it for a few minutes at the bus stop.
However, if you want to teach this lesson well, you can add an additional consequence. When he arrives home, he will be informed that there is no play for the rest of the day. No TV. No friends. No video games. No toy room. No-thing that he would find fun. And it’s not negotiable. Period. He can read, help out or go to bed…but no fun.
Okay, if that sounds harsh…I understand that you could argue that position. But we want him to learn, and we want him to learn quickly. If I live by this rule, he gets this lesson, and I don’t have to keep doing this battle every day. So make this the ongoing rule…
Leave without getting ready, then come home ready (to be bored!). When you follow through with this a few times, you will see that your child will get it. They may think you are cruel, but it won’t last long. More importantly, they will quickly learn to dress warmly without a lot of reminding or arguing, and you can rest easily everyday that you see them off to school. For more information on effective ways to manage challenging behavior, please visit my website at www.TerrificParenting.com.
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His Web site,
www.TerrificParenting.com,, offers free parenting guidance and an e-mail newsletter.