How motherhood changes us

By Carol Harding

The transformation to motherhood changes not only our daily lives and relationships but also our sense of connection to life in general. The Indian philosopher and poet, Rabindrandth Tagore, described this awesome experience.

"Where did I come from?" the baby asked its mother. She answered, half-crying, half-laughing, and clasping the baby to her breast, "You were hidden in my heart as its desire, my darling. You were in the dolls of my childhood games. In all my hopes and my loves, in my life, in the life of my mother, and in her mother before her, you have lived. In the lap of the eternal spirit you have been nursed and nurtured for ages."

These poetic descriptions of motherhood remind us-- as we change diapers and wash grimy little hands--of the amazing cycle of life in which we participate as mothers. However, the poets can't really capture the many changes that motherhood brings.

Daniel N. Stern and Nadia Bruschweiler-Stern, authors of The Birth of A Mother: How the Motherhood Experience Changes You Forever (Basic Books), described "the motherhood mindset--a deep, personal transformation that changes the new mother's sense of herself. "The birth of a mother," they wrote, "does not take place in one dramatic, defining moment, but gradually emerges from the cumulative work that precedes and follows the actual birth of the baby."

Based on mothers' stories about their "growing pains and pleasures," I've developed a Life Cycle of Motherhood. Although your own experience throughout motherhood will be unique, perhaps you can see yourself, and other mothers and mothers-to-be, within these transition periods.

Transition 1: Trying out expectations about motherhood
As little girls, we "try out" motherhood. In play and through family responsibilities, we reflect how our family and our culture expect mothers to act. Early expectations can have a positive or negative effect on our actual experience with motherhood.

Transition 2: Entering the role of motherhood
From the moment we first anticipate our own motherhood, we take on the role of mother, often acting--consciously or unconsciously--like our own mother or other mothers we've known. Sometimes, "playing the role" of mother feels like an act rather than a reflection of our genuine feelings about becoming a mother.

Transition 3: Developing the mother/child attachment
During the first year of our baby's life, a psychological bond develops, laying the groundwork for the baby's social and emotional development. This attachment matters for both mother and baby, affecting the baby's development as well as our own throughout the rest of our lives.

Transition 4: Negotiating the parenting relationship
The relationship that develops during childhood and adolescence is more inclusive and open to change than infant attachment. We find ourselves relying on partners (fathers, grandparents, friends, neighbors, teachers, our child's friends) as we try to "mother" our maturing child. The flexibility required at this time challenges our expectations and earlier experiences of motherhood.

Transition 5: Establishing interconnections across time and generations
Yes, we do continue to be "mother" throughout our children's lives. Mothering adult children serves a unique purpose. We are building interconnections across our children's past, present, and future lives. The challenge is to respect our children's wisdom while passing on our insights, experiences, and family heritage.

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