Inviting Trouble Oklahoma

Originally published in Philadelphia Wedding, Fall/Winter 2007
By Jill Waldbieser

Whoever said the hardest part of a wedding was paying for it never made a guest list. The first flash of a diamond ring sets off a ripple of questions about the date, the venue — and the inevitable assumptions that everyone from your mom’s bridge partner to your grade school teacher will be invited.

“The guest list is probably one of the stickiest points of planning a wedding,” says etiquette grand dame Peggy Post, whose third revision of her ultimate guide, Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette (Collins, 2006) came out last year. “Realize early on that you have choices to make.”

Do you ever. Luckily, help is available for even the stickiest guest list issues. Here’s how to deal with (and avoid) the faux pas that might otherwise haunt you until the day you say “I do.”

PROBLEM: The Bottom Line

“People don’t have a realistic idea of what their wedding is going to cost,” says Mark Kingsdorf, owner of The Queen of Hearts Wedding Consultants in Philadelphia. “A lot of the venues in the greater Philadelphia area run, on average, $100, $150 per person. The more people you put on that list, the more ways you have to divide that money up.”

SOLUTION: One of the first things you and your new fiance need to do is have a finance discussion, says Kingsdorf. Decide on a budget you can stick with and let that number determine your head count. And don’t forget “hidden” costs like extra tablecloths and centerpieces — it all adds up.


PROBLEM: Save the Date (Maybe)

You have to have your save-the-dates designed, printed and mailed in a week, and you have the sneaking suspicion you’re forgetting a few names.

SOLUTION: “Generally, we tell brides that save-the-dates don’t have to go to everyone,” says Sonia Mele, owner of Details, a stationery and invitation shop in Philadelphia. “You can hold off on sending them to people you’re not sure about.” Most brides mail them out to maybe 98 percent of their list, which pretty much ensures that the people they’re closest to will be able to attend.


PROBLEM: The In(vitation only)-Laws

It was so sweet of his parents to offer to help pay for the wedding — or so you thought at the time. That was before they invited Great-Aunt Susan. And your mother-in-law’s co-workers. And father-in-law’s golf buddies. Suddenly, eloping is starting to sound like a good idea.

SOLUTION: “You want to enjoy your wedding day, not spend it in a receiving line,” says Mele. Have a heart-to-heart with your parents and his and explain that. You can also try to appease them by giving each parent a set number of invitations — say, 25 percent of the total list — to use as they want. In an ideal world, that should be enough. If not, the bottom line, says Kingsdorf: “If you’re going to take their money, you have to take their advice.”


PROBLEM: Second Guesting

Your sister RSVPed — with her new boyfriend. Who wasn’t in the picture when the invitations were mailed. Does he stay or does he go?

SOLUTION: Tagalongs are only okay when..... Visit Philadelphia Wedding to read more about wedding invitation lists.