Why no is necessary!
1. No reflects reality.
If children experience the reality of the world, no is an essential ingredient.
It is essential because it helps to establish the boundaries of reality. For example:
“No, you can’t jump off the balcony and fly like superman.”
“No you can’t play in the street.”
“No you can’t drink Mommy’s wine.”
“No you can’t drive the car.”
“No you can’t hit your brother with the baseball bat.”
“No you can’t watch R rated movies yet.”
“No is helpful in our efforts to establish the boundaries on behavior….”
2. No is a way in which we set limits on behavior.
Whether we like it or not, there are limits. Society sets limits. Families set limits. Parents set limits. Employers set limits. Our spouses set limits. There are all sorts of ways in which we live and function in a world where there are limits.
We prepare children for life when we create a world, which reflects the limits of reality.
How did we go wrong here?
We can go wrong when we allow our two year old to pound away at our legs, and chuckle as he does so, thinking that he’ll learn to lighten up later on. This does not reflect reality. Reality is that we can’t hit away at someone else. The sooner kids learn no for such actions….the easier life will be.
When your daughter asks for a limousine to take six of her best friends to the mall to go shopping for her birthday, you must say no. Perhaps you can afford it. That not the point.
The point is that you want to prepare your kids for reality. For most of us, reality is not that we have a limousine taking us out to dinner every time we have a birthday. The reality is also that there are limits on spending, and that your child needs to learn that their request is not your command.
No sets limits….that should reflect reality.
When your thirteen year old repeatedly frowns at every Christmas present, and then demands to return them all to get the violent video you had earlier denied him, you stick to your “No.” Your message here is saying that “You don’t get to engage in violent fantasies…just because you want to.”
3. No doesn’t actually teach limits. It signals a consequence is near.
Repeatedly using no is not helpful in establishing limits. The no is useful as a signal that the limit is near….and a consequence will then teach that limit.
In other words, you want your voice, when you say “no” to be a signal to your child. You want it to signal that if they continue in their behavior a consequence will occur.
This is how you set limits on their behavior.
4. No is also a signal to your child about the limits to your behavior.
Not only do you use no to let your children know that they have reached a limit, the use of no is a way to signal what you are or are not willing to do.
“No I am willing to return your Christmas present.”
“No I am not going to buy you a five hundred dollar dress to go to the prom.”
“No your friends can’t come over on a school night.”
“No I am not going to fix you a pizza simply because you don’t want to eat the lasagna.”
“No I am not going to do what you want just because you whine or pout or complain.”
5. No is most useful when it is said calmly and with certainty….and only once.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not an advocate for a negative environment, where children are constantly hearing “No no no no.”
However, when children are approaching a limit, and you need to communicate that to them, no is necessary. It needs to reflect reality.
And it does not need to be repeated….Or it loses its value.
Do not repeatedly say no to the same question. Answer it once.
Do not repeatedly say no to the same behavior. Instead establish a limit using a consequence.
Do not repeatedly answer your teenager who asks over and over and over……after you have answered once.
I hope this is clear to you. My purpose is not to advocate for a negative or punitive environment.
My purpose is to empower you to use “no” to establish limits on your behavior….and your child’s behavior.
Make sure that you follow up a “NO” with a consequence, when necessary to teach your children about limits on a behavior.
“No, you can’t hit your sister”……is followed by an immediate time out. This teaches that “No” has meaning.
When there is a request for you to do or provide something for your kids, answer with a simple, certain, firm “no.” (when this is appropriate) Avoid repeatedly answering the same question, by simply walking away from repetitions, whining, complaining, and efforts to negotiate around your answer.
You’ll find your words have more power, and when you say “no” your kids will understand that you mean it.
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His Web site, www.TerrificParenting.com,, offers free parenting guidance and an e-mail newsletter.