Dr. Cale,
I loved your article on eating out in peace (August edition). It made an immediate difference when we go out with the kids. But what about dining at home? My kids are always running around like crazy, and I can’t keep them in their seat. When I do get them to sit down, they are always picking at each other. Help!
Theresa, mother of three
Dear Theresa,
I am happy that you enjoyed the article on eating out in peace. You can certainly create the same kind of peaceful environment when eating at home. Kids can present with a number of different challenges, and each can be dealt with by following a few simple guidelines.
Dr. Cale’s Eating In Sanity Rules
1. You can only eat…if you stay in your seat.
More and more kids are very active, tend to jump out of their seat, run around and punch their brother or run back and forth to the TV.
You can put an end to this easily. You let your kids know, “You only get to eat when you remain in your seat. If you get out of your seat…you’re done.” Once dinner starts, and you put the new rule into place, you might remind them just once per meal, for the first week. After this, the rule stands without you having to state it.
Now…if kids get out of their seat, you simply reach over and take their plate, and put their food in the garbage, and let them know they’re done. No discussion. No snacks, until the next meal.
Okay…I know this sounds harsh…but keep reading. If you have concerns about them missing a meal, please don’t. We know your kids can go for three weeks without food. Of course I am not recommending three weeks…and you really don’t have to be concerned about that. I am pointing out that missing a meal will not harm them in any way. I encourage you to check with your pediatrician if you have questions about this.
I emphasize this point, because it’s essential for you to remain in a place of calm clarity as you respond with a clear consequence.
Give clear notice: You only eat when you stay in your seat. End of story.
2. We only eat when there’s peace.
If your kids get ugly, or they start calling each other names, or they are kicking under the table, let them know they’re excused.
Again, take their plate and put the food in the garbage and let them know they’re done… until the next meal. Again…no snacks…no cheating! Nothing in between.
Why is this so important? Because the consequence of feeling they are hungry is the teacher here. They need to be able to feel the consequence, given without anger, without ugliness, or without an argument, you simply fulfill the promise that you made for them. If they are not eating in peace they are not going to eat.
The beauty of this is that the learning curve is remarkably rapid. You will no longer be eating with all of this bickering and complaining or kids being up and out of their seat. They will get it quickly and rapidly because the consequence is immediate, powerful, and it stays around for a few hours.
Finally, we only eat what mom or dad has prepared.
This helps to settle the issue of preparing a second meal or having your kids fix themselves a snack, when they don’t want to eat the healthy meal that’s on the table. For many households, this may not be important. For other households, it is extremely important.
Just operate from a base where you feel comfortable for the fact that you are putting a healthy meal on the table. They can either eat it…or not eat it. It’s not an option to complain, get up and prepare another meal. This get you out of the role of potentially being a short order cook…and feeling as if your efforts are not appreciated.
Put these three rules in place and you’ll see how calm, peaceful and enjoyable for everyone.
In these short discussions, I do not have the time to review the fundamental principals that are operating behind these simple rules. So I encourage you to got to my website at www.terrificparenting.com, where you can learn more about why these principals work and how to apply these ideas in a wide range of situations.
I would also encourage you, particularly if you are having serious problems at home, to consider one of the programs that I offer on nurturing healthy patterns of eating in your home.
Best of luck with this.
Randy L. Cale, PhD.
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His Web site,
www.TerrificParenting.com,, offers free parenting guidance and an e-mail newsletter.