By Kristin Bailey MurphyIf you're the parent of a perfect child -- one that never misbehaves (God forbid!), whines, or talks back; never argues with you, fibs to you or makes a disaster of his room (right after you've cleaned it) -- then keep on moving! This article isn't for you. However, if your child is guilty of any (or all) of the above bad behaviors, listen up. Here, Noel Janis-Norton, a child behavior specialist of 30 years, author of four books, and founder of the
Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting seminars, shares her three top strategies for getting the best behavior out of even the most temperamental child.
Descriptive PraiseInstead of lecturing your children when they do something wrong, try praising them when they do something right. Sounds simple, doesn't it? It
is simple, according to Janis-Norton, but it can be trickier for parents than you'd think. "Because humans are more inclined to notice what's
wrong in a situation, we are much more aware when there's a problem," she says. "It takes hard work and discipline to notice when children are doing things right, such as not whining or
not interrupting."
And this is what descriptive praise is: noticing and mentioning -- in a casual, non-exaggerated voice -- every tiny little thing that your child is doing that is
right,
just okay, or
not wrong. "Descriptive praise is a powerful motivator," Janis-Norton continues. "It catches kids doing the right thing and inspires them to think of themselves as considerate and capable people. The rationale being: What you notice, you get more of."
Traci McPhereson, 34, of Los Angeles, Calif., agrees. "My four-year-old twins responded almost instantly to descriptive praise," she recalls. "I'd say, 'I see you're not hitting your sister' even when my son was just sitting on the floor doing nothing. Sometimes I feel insane saying stuff like, 'You're not whining and crying!' or 'You're not sucking your thumb!' but hey, it works! The positive changes in their behavior have been enormous."
Reflective Listening
When a child is upset, a parent instinctively wants to diffuse the situation by asking what's wrong and then giving advice. But Janis-Norton says that empathy, not advice, is what will truly calm an upset child down. "Reflective listening is when a parent mirrors what the child is feeling. It helps to deal with the emotion that's dominating the child and helps to get it resolved."
Heather Randall, 39, of Sun Valley, Calif. most recently used reflective listening when her daughter had a nightmare. "I went into her room and asked her to tell me about it," she explains. "Instead of responding with, 'Don't worry, it was just a dream, go back to sleep,' I said, 'You're so frightened. Nightmares can sure be scary, can't they?' She stopped crying, thought about it for a second, and replied, 'They sure can.' After that, she nodded right back off to sleep."
According to Janis-Norton, it's often hard for a child to put what she's feeling into words. "But when you use reflective listening, over time it will teach your child a vocabulary for expressing her feelings so that she doesn't bottle them up inside and act on them inappropriately," she says.
Action Replays
The next time your child misbehaves, be kind and rewind. Instead of scolding, repeating, reminding or lecturing, Janis-Norton suggests you try what she calls an action replay. "This is how parents can follow-through with the rules they've established with their kids," she advises. "It's simply asking the child to do things again, but this time the right way."
Randall says dinnertime is the perfect opportunity to utilize action replays in her house. "My daughter, who's three, hates to use her fork," she explains. "Whenever she starts to eat her food with her fingers instead of her fork, I say, 'Let's do that again. Show me how you're supposed to be eating your food.' Once she uses her fork, I give her descriptive praise, like 'See, you knew just what to do,' and then everybody's smiling again. It's nice to be able to avoid arguments that may have otherwise erupted."
"Plus, doing an action replay will boost your child's self-esteem," concludes Janis-Norton, "because she's now proven to herself that she can indeed succeed."
Kristin Bailey Murphy is a freelance writer and mother of two from Los Angeles, Calif.
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