We have all heard the melodrama. It begins with the three year old who successfully goes to potty, and mom and dad begin to jump and down and scream accolades of praise and repeatedly state how proud they are. It continues when the five year old successfully scratches out their name for the first time, in letters barely recognizable by any standard, and 17 phone calls go out to every member of the family.
It continues when parents have been struggling to get their kids up and out in the morning, and then one morning, they find their son dressed and ready for breakfast. Not only do they get to call Grandma, and she praises John for getting dressed, but special snacks go in the lunch box, parents praise John 27 times before he gets to school, and John can’t help but beam from ear to ear.
So you are probably asking, “What’s the problem here? The problem here is that such melodrama in the world of parenting doesn’t seem to correlate with effective parenting.
It’s not like John gets dressed the next day, after all the drama. It’s not like the writing really improves.
This eventually evolves into a much more problematic situation, as parents bring disproportionate amounts of energy and enthusiasm to situations where effort is only mediocre or even minimal at best.
That’s the true danger! Disproportionate energy for mediocre effort.
This is particularly problematic when it comes to behaviors that are required on an ongoing basis. Children can quickly learn to expect the parents to throw a party, if parents aren’t careful.
There is also a way in which this drama lacks sincerity. The tone of voice, the expression on parents faces, the whole general experience is one that lacks congruence. It feels fake, it exudes a lack of authenticity.
And even worse, it breeds a sort of immature dependency upon an inordinate amount of parental emotion. When such energy and enthusiasm really is not warranted.
So what’s the answer? Be authentic!
Be authentic in your reactions, in your tone of voice, and in the level of enthusiasm that is warranted for the behavior observed.
Let’s talk about some specifics. Here are my five rules for bringing authenticity to your praise, and to make sure that you don’t encourage melodrama.
1. Be vigilant for any signs of improvement and growth!
Stay alert to any changes that reflect improvement in your children’s behavior.
In particular, be alert to the effort that’s involved in achieving some particular outcome. Try to catch the incremental pieces of behavior, that must be pieced together to create the final outcome.
As you notice the effort,…
2. Replace intensity with frequency.
In other words, rather than making such a big, dramatic deal out of your daughter’s spelling her name correctly, be consistently walking by and touching her on the shoulder. Smiling as she struggles to get that pencil to go in the right direction. Give her a gentle kiss on the top of her head as she nears completion.
When you are growing behaviors, and nurturing them in their early stages, be more concerned about frequently catching the growth of the behavior, rather than being concerned about bringing some much drama to the ultimate completion of the behavior.
When noticing effort and growth, and doing so frequently…
3. Use more action than words.
Rather than overdoing praise with lots of words and noise, use more action.
A touch on the shoulder.
A smile.
A head nod.
A gentle hug.
It’s not that there is anything wrong with praise. It’s just that here is such a tendency of overdoing it, and thus creating early memories that are disproportionate and out of line with reality.
Using this strategy I suggest, you will find that your behavior and action naturally and automatically nurtures a sense of “feeling good” on the insides…for your kids. In other words, they become less dependent on you for that praise and actually begin to feel good on their own for putting forth effort.
This is really a magically gift that you can offer your children, as it promotes independence…rather than dependence.
When you do engage your kids,…
4. Do so with authentic emotion.
Allow your heart to be open. Allow your true joy, deep love, and appreciation for your children to be present.
So when you smile, it’s a loving smile. It’s a joyful smile. It’s an authentic smile that reflects the depth of your love.
It’s not the Pollyannaish explanation that sounds like a six year old just fell into a 30 year old body, and your kids sense that something is out of wack.
Finally, after weeks of focusing on the growth of behavior, you’ll see it beginning to stabilize. As the behavior begins to stabilize, …
5. Reduce the frequency but not the authenticity.
As you have invested energy over a period of weeks, you notice that your child’s behavior begins to develop. As you see behavior emerging consistently and repeatedly, then drop back on your frequency. You don’t need to notice it…or engage it…so often.
Do so less predictably, and allow for greater time in between.
When you do engage, remain authentic. As time goes on, and you’ll feel compelled to comment, I encourage you to…
6. Comment about effort and motivation more than outcome.
As you engage a growing and emerging new pattern of healthy behavior, comment on the effort. Rather than gross generalizations like, “Your doing great!…Consider comments like:
“Your really working hard!”
“I can see you are really trying!”
“I am proud of your effort!”
“I know that’s not easy…and it’s getting better.”
“Look, you are getting better and better.”
“I love how hard you are working to make this neater.”
“Thank you for your hard work and effort.”
Keep in mind, I mention these as possible comments, not because I encourage you to use them every time you notice a growing, healthy behavior, as I would always coach you to minimize words and maximize action. This is the way you become a parent of action and not words. It’s the way in which your words gain greater respect, when you need to use them.”
There you have it. It is the six simple rules to reduce the melodrama.
As is obvious, there are lots of other sources of melodrama in your children’s lives. Most significant is the emotional reactivity you bring to the moments that frustrate you or anger you.
Your kids will learn from this.
Make sure you attend to what you model for your kids. If you consistently bring lots of drama to the moments that frustrate you, you can predict that your kids will ultimately bring lots of drama to the moments that frustrate them.
If this is an issue for you, I encourage you to check out the information on my website about keeping your cool.
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His Web site, www.TerrificParenting.com,, offers free parenting guidance and an e-mail newsletter.